Tag Archives: boundaries

Setting Boundaries

A Balanced Life, Emotional Intelligence, , , ,

Setting Boundaries with Frenemies

In every social circle, there are friends, acquaintances, and then, occasionally, frenemies. Frenemies, or those who present themselves as friends but act in ways that undermine you, can be challenging to navigate. Establishing boundaries with frenemies is crucial for maintaining mental and emotional well-being.

Here’s a comprehensive guide to help you set those boundaries effectively and protect your well-being.
First – Understand the Frenemy Dynamic

Frenemies can often be subtle in their undermining actions, making it tricky to identify and address their behavior. Common traits of frenemies include:

  • Gossiping: They may spread rumors or talk negatively about you behind your back.
  • Backhanded Compliments: Their compliments often come with an undercurrent of negativity
  • Inconsistency in Behavior: They may be supportive one moment and critical the next.
  • Competition: They seem to view your achievements as a threat rather than a cause for celebration.

Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward setting necessary boundaries.

Why Boundaries Are Important.

Boundaries are essential in any relationship to ensure mutual respect and understanding. With frenemies, boundaries help protect your self-esteem, mental health, and overall well-being. They prevent the frenemy from having undue influence over your emotions and actions.

6 Steps to Establish Boundaries

  1. Identify the Behaviors That Need Addressing: Be clear about what actions or behaviors from the frenemy are unacceptable to you. This clarity will help you communicate your boundaries effectively.
  2. Communicate Clearly and Assertively: When setting boundaries, use “I” statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel uncomfortable when you make jokes at my expense,” instead of “You always insult me.”
  3. Limit Personal Information Sharing: Keep your conversations with frenemies surface-level. Avoid sharing sensitive or personal information that they could use against you.
  4. Set Limits on Interaction: Decide how much time and energy you want to invest in the relationship. It’s okay to decline invitations or distance yourself if interactions with the frenemy leave you feeling drained or upset.
  5. Be Consistent: Consistency is key to maintaining boundaries. If a frenemy crosses a line, address it every time it happens. This reinforces your boundaries and shows that you are serious about them.
  6. Seek Support from True Friends: Surround yourself with friends who genuinely support and uplift you. Their positive influence can help counterbalance any negativity from frenemies.

Strategies for Maintaining Boundaries

  • Practice Self-Care: Prioritize activities that boost your mental and emotional health. Exercise, hobbies, and relaxation can help you stay resilient against any negativity from frenemies.
  • Reevaluate the Relationship: Over time, assess whether maintaining a relationship with a frenemy is worth the effort. Sometimes, it’s healthier to let go of toxic relationships altogether.
  • Use Social Media Wisely: Be mindful of your interactions on social media. You can unfollow or mute a frenemy without fully severing ties, reducing their presence in your digital life.

Dealing with Reactions

Frenemies might resist or react negatively to your boundaries. They might try to guilt-trip you, manipulate situations, or increase their negative behavior. Stand firm and remember why you set those boundaries in the first place. If necessary, limit your contact further or seek advice from a trusted friend or counsellor. Better still, work on strengthening your own Emotional Intelligence so that you can construct effective boundaries.

Establishing and maintaining boundaries with frenemies is a proactive step toward safeguarding your emotional and mental well-being. By identifying problematic behaviors, communicating assertively, and being consistent, you can manage these challenging relationships more effectively. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your happiness and peace of mind over maintaining a relationship that brings negativity into your life.

5 ways to act in an emotionally intelligent way when confronted with mean behaviour

A Balanced Life, Emotional Intelligence, , , , ,

Dealing with mean behaviour can be challenging, but responding with emotional intelligence can help diffuse conflicts and maintain your composure. Here are five ways to act in an emotionally intelligent way when confronted with such behaviour:

  1. Stay Calm and Composed: Maintain your emotional balance by staying calm and composed in the face of mean behaviour. Take deep breaths and avoid reacting impulsively. This helps you think clearly and respond effectively without escalating the situation.
  2. Practice Empathy: Try to understand the underlying reasons behind the person’s behaviour. Often, people who act mean may be dealing with their own insecurities or personal issues. By empathizing with their situation, you can respond in a more compassionate and understanding manner.
  3. Set Boundaries: Firmly and respectfully establish your boundaries. Let the person know that their behaviour is not acceptable to you, and you expect to be treated with respect. Use “I” statements to express your feelings, such as “I feel hurt when you say/do this.”
  4. Use Active Listening: Listen actively to what the person is saying without interrupting. Show that you are genuinely interested in their perspective, even if you disagree. This can help de-escalate the situation and create an environment where they may be more open to constructive communication.
  5. Choose Your Battles Wisely: Not every mean comment or action requires a response. Sometimes, it’s best to ignore minor incidents and not give them the attention they seek. Focus your energy on addressing the more significant issues or conflicts that truly matter to you.

Remember that dealing with mean behaviour may require ongoing efforts, and it’s essential to prioritize your well-being and mental health. If the situation continues or escalates, consider seeking support from friends, family, or a professional counsellor who can provide guidance on how to handle it effectively.

Cut the Cords

energy fields, release, , ,

“Cut the cords from those who are really in your life 100% for them, not you.”

Steve Miller

At the end of those cords are either hooks embedded into your energetic field or anchors dragging you down.  To cut the cords from those who are hooking into and using your energy takes some awareness of our energetic fields.  We all have an energetic field and it is many layered. The simplest explanation is that these fall into 3 main categories – the physical, astral and spiritual planes. Cords can be attached in any one of these areas.

cutting tiesHave you ever been in the presence of someone who radiates negative or heavy energy? Like a parasite they are unconsciously looking for a host. They will hook into your energy without hesitation and it’s all about them – not you. Then there is what are described as “energy vampires”. They are not always a stranger to us. Many are close family members or friends that unintentionally feed on your caring nature.  Dr Judith Orloff has written extensively about how to deal with them, with the suggestion to surround yourself with as many positive like minded people as possible to repel them.

However if you have one of these invisible cords attached – not only does the cord have to be cut, but you have to remove the hook.  When training Reiki students, we always go through a process to remove these cords and return them to their owner – with love and gratitude for the lessons we have been given.

In conclusion there are of course some cords of attachment that you might like to have remain. These are the cords between soul mates and loving and supportive people in your life. Having healthy boundaries and a regular check in on your energy levels will go a long way in ensuring that you don’t need to cut the cords too often.

Power

Coaching, ,

I’m not talking about power in the sense of others or the power of leaders, but more about the power and capabilities that you have.

What is it that you can do?

If you feel that you are lacking in power, then it is possible to build up and improve your skills by focusing firstly on your strengths and then on areas of vulnerability.

Personal power can be eroded by poor boundaries and a lack of confidence in your skill set or abilities. To build this up, a simple exercise is to draw up a list of the things that you are good at and identify what emotions you feel when you do these things. When you are being your best at what you do, then positive neural pathways are formed.

Now let yourself dream a little…. and envisage yourself being the very best you can be as you do that…..

Echidna

Animal totems, Philosophy, ,

EcEchidnahidna crossed my path – actually the road on the way to the retreat on Saturday after a challenging Friday evening that saw me getting home around 3am. We stopped to take a photo, but after scurrying into the scrub on the side of the road the Echidna did what it does best….. it curled up into a rather large and spiky ball. I took a photo, jumped back into the car and we continued on.

Thoughts of the Echidna stayed throughout the afternoon and I decided to research more about it. I found that it is closely related to the platypus and lays an egg in its pouch. After hatching, the young one stays in the pouch for some time. I love to discover the metaphysical or spiritual messages that come from random encounters like this one.

Scott Alexander King says Echidna is a symbol for Rebirth and Personal Protection. He goes on to say that Echidna warns us not to be overprotective to the extent that you shut everyone out. Be aware if you are closed to the possibility of change and the distinction between denial and determination.

Ann Williams-Fitzgerald and Karen Osborn in Wisdom of the Australian Animals entry for Echidna gives the following information. Echidna is about Persoechidna crossingnal Boundaries  and Comfort Zone with Echidna urging us not to be like him. The shadow side is suggesting that we have become unapproachable and do not welcome change into our lives. Time to move out of the comfort zone perhaps to learn something new, join a new group and become more involved in life. Tear down the brick walls that keep people out, but use the boundaries for your own protection.

I also spent some time looking up Dreamtime stories for how Echidna got his spikes which you can also do if you are so inclined. The stories are quite varied and different regions of Australia have different stories. All of them are worth a read!

5 Steps to Surviving the Summer Holidays

Energy, Goal Setting, Insights, Life balance, Summer, , , , , , , ,

Summer is just a few weeks away and the festive season is getting closer. Whether you look forward to it or dread it, the holiday season can be stressful for many reasons but it is possible to get through this time by following these steps.

  1. Remember to breathe…… establishing a routine for deep breathing prior to the holidays will result in this becoming second nature to you when you are in a stressful situation. A simple and effective breathing technique, done first thing in the morning and last thing at night, is to lie on your back with your hands over your belly and the fingers just touching each other. Take a deep breath into your belly area and your fingers should separate slightly and then exhale slowly allowing your belly to go flat. Do this ten times. If you find you lose count, then exert a slight pressure on each finger after every exhalation. Do it often enough and it will become a habit, then when there is a stressful situation you can trigger the relaxation by placing a hand on your abdomen and gently counting the breaths and exerting a slight pressure on the fingers.
  2. Stay in the moment…cultivate mindfulness as a strategy. When you are eating…..eat. Avoid distractions such as eating in front of the TV or whilst reading a newspaper. Be aware of the flavour, texture, smell, feel of the food and be especially aware of when you feel full. It’s OK to say “No” to second helpings or to leave some food on the plate. If there is a vast array of food, see this as an opportunity to create a small “tasting plate” and again be aware of the presentation, texture, flavours, smell of the food and whether it is a “friend or foe” to your body. Be curious about the preparation, the combination of flavours or where the food originated from. Listen to a hypnosis CD so that your subconscious mind can help you to make the right decisions about food choices when in social situations.
  3. Give within your means….. this applies not only to presents, but to your time and also what you are giving to yourself in the way of “treats”. If you love to bake, then do so and give away your creations to family and friends. If you are giving your time, make sure that you leave enough for yourself to enjoy the occasion and remember that it is OK to say “No” to demands on your time and energy.  Visualize a bubble around you that allows loving thoughts in and blocks any negative vibrations. If you are intending on giving yourself a “treat”, make it a massage instead of a meringue or a pedicure instead of a pie….
  4. Stick to routines and structure as much as possible…. Have a plan. Most holiday stress comes about from that last minute rush to make everything perfect. Set goals that are realistic. Map out whether there are any obstacles to achieving the goals and work out the best way forward.
  5. Acknowledge your emotions….. the holiday season can be difficult if you have had a bereavement or change in family structure. Spend time reflecting on what traditions you would like to keep and what you would like to change. Have a plan, this may be that you decide to keep the celebrations the way they have always been. Plan B is always a good backup to default to if you realize as you head to a social situation that you need some time alone. It’s quite alright to plan to leave a celebration a little early if you feel overwhelmed. Rescue Remedy is a great help at times like this and if you see a homeopath, ask for some specific grief remedies to help you get by.  Another useful therapy is Hypnotherapy, where you can bypass your conscious mind and use a variety of techniques to help you deal with either difficult people or situations. Smile….. even if you don’t feel like it…. the muscles in your face will send messages to your brain and release endorphins to reduce stress…. Laugh…. a good laugh is contagious and also reduces stress. ….. but above all – be authentic and acknowledge how you are feeling and share how you are feeling.

*article shared with Healthy Energy Summer 2015 Newsletter.